Kyle Gets Abducted (12)

Kyle Gets Abducted.





"Whistle-whistle-whistle" Whistles Kyle. "It sure is a pleasant day!"


Kyle is gamboling cheerfully along the promenade on a lovely Sunday afternoon.


Kyle loves this particular Sunday particularly because the sun is shining bright, but not too bright.


Kyle hates it when the sun shines so brightly that he has to squint, but he also likes it to be fairly bright.


After taking in the all of the sunshine, Kyle feels empowered.


"Whew, I just gamboled along the whole promenade, I wonder what I should do now." Wonders Kyle aloud.


And just then, before Kyle even has time to stop wondering enough to catch his breath a large metallic object begins zooming over Kyles head!

"Oh, no! It's coming right at me! Ahhh!"Shrieks Kyle.

Kyle is being very over dramitic, seeing as though the large metallic object is nowhere near Kyle.

"Ahhh!" Shrieks Kyle a second time. "I'm going to need to move soon if I want to avoid this!"

Then, Kyle barrel-rolls out of the way of danger, and into the way of safety.

Feeling relieved, Kyle then realizes that the large metallic object was indeed nowhere near him. On the contrary, it was several hundred miles away.

Foolishly, Kyle decides to inspect the object, so he begins the long walk towards it.

After several years of trekking through the suburban wastelands, Kyle grows a beard.

"Huzzah! A beard!" Yells Kyle.

Kyle has always wanted a beard, but could never really grow one.

After several more years, Kyle arrives at the large metallic object, which is now a rusted yellowy color.

As Kyle approaches the object, Kyle notices that it has a door, and on it is a sign which reads: DO NOT ENTER !!!!

Kyle then enters immediately, because he hates being told what to do.

As he enters, he is greeted by two little midgets, who look very angry.

"WHY DID YOU ENTER?" Says the first midget.

Kyle begins to giggle, because he finds little people to be very funny.

Eventually, Kyle stops giggling long enough to form a sentence.

"I don't take orders from you, little-man. He-he"

Perplexed, the first midget then combusted into flames. Then, the second midget quickly gets a broom and sweeps up his ashes.

One the second midget is done sweeping, he returns to Kyle.

"Well I don't care! This is my space-o-ship, and I call the shots 'round here!" Bellows the angry second midget.

Kyle then rolls his eyes and picks the second midget up.

The second midget does not like this, at all.

"Hey you guy! Put me down! I may be a silly little midget, but that doesn't give you the right to just man-handle me like that!"

And on that thought, Kyle agrees. Kyle never really thought about it like that, and he begins to feel really bad about the way he treated the second midget.

"I'm sorry, little fellow, I didn't realize that what I was doing was wrong and mean, is there any way I can make amends?" Apologizes and pleads Kyle.

Just then, a creepy smirk becomes evident on the second midgets little face.

FAST-FORWARD 20 MINUTES!

"Hey, come on midget! Lemme outta dis' cage!" yells Kyle.

The second midget does nothing except push tiny buttons on a control panel.

Kyle has been trapped inside this cage for the better part of 20 minutes.

"Midget, I don't like you very much right now." says Kyle, in an attempt to hurt the midgets feelings. It works.

The midget then turns around, and with a tear in his eye says "Well, my mom died when I was little, and my dad raised me. Our situation was good and all, but I never really learned how to express my emotions. I always just kinda resorted to aggression. I guess I'm finding out that it isn't always the best solution. I'm sorry, Kyle. I'm still not letting you out though."

Kyle is getting pissed off. Kyle then decided he has had enough of these little games and he punches the metal bars of the cage he is being kept in.

"BAM!" goes the first punch, and it leaves no impression on he bars.

Kyle then decides two more punches and a roundhouse kick should do the trick.

"SOCKO!" "SMACK!" "KERPLUNK!"

As soon as his kick lands, the metal cage evaporates into a cloud of smoke.

"Ooh, spooky" marvels Kyle.

Kyle then walks over to the second midget, who didn't even noticed that Kyle had escaped.

Kyle didn't really want to have the whole "confrontation" thing, so he didn't alert the second midget of his presence. Instead, he found a piece of paper and a mechanical pencil and scribed a note for the second midget.

The note read:

"Dear angry second midget. I never liked you, but I did respect you. At least, until you put me in that cage and wouldn't let me out. Well, I got out and now I'm leaving. Have fun in here by yourself, and I hope you work out those issues with expressing your emotions,

Your best friend in the world,

Luke Skywalker (JUST KIDDING!),

Kyle.

Kyle Does Something Unexpected (11)

"Do it! Do it! Do it!" shout the boys from across Kyle's street.

"Come on, just do it! You're not chicken are you?" says the largest boy, Howard.

Kyle does not like to be called names and therefor gives Howard a thumbs down. Howard looks sad.

"Please, do it! You know you want to!" says Hwuang, the Asian boy.

"Shut up guys, I'm going to do it. I just need to get my nerves." says Kyle, as he breathes deeply.

Kyle then imagines how Captain America felt, before the last big battle of the Superhero Civil War, and he then finally goes for it.

[Now, by now you're probably wondering what Kyle has just done and I don't blame you. I would wonder too, if I wasn't the one writing the story about what Kyle is doing. So, rather than have myself explain to you what he is doing, I'll let Kyle do it, as part of the story. ]

"Wow! I can't believe I actually did it! I actually flew! I can fly! I can actually fly!" yells Kyle.

Gasps and shudders are common among the boys from across the street, as most of them have never seen a person fly.

Kyle then looks down at the group of boys, smugly.

"How you like me now! I did it, and you didn't. I bet you all feel stupid and insignificant!"

But then, Kyle begins to stop flying and begins heading towards the grown, rapidly.

"Oh no! I'm falling! I'm free falling!" Kyle then starts humming the song "Free Falling" and as he forgets how it goes, he suddenly gets dangerously close to the ground.

Preparing for the worst, Kyle closes his eyes, to try and make it all go away, and surprisingly, it does!

The next thing Kyle knows, he is standing atop a great mountain, with a donkey at his side.

"Oh, hello donkey." Pleasantly greets a cheerful Kyle.

The donkey offers no reply, and instead just stares at Kyle blankly.

Kyle does not like this one bit.

Feeling like he has been ignored, or "dissed" as the cool kids say, Kyle then kicks the donkey with a great amount of force.

"Ooof!" squeals the donkey. "What in Guatemala was that for!"

Then, Kyle widens his eyes in surprise.

"You can talk? Wha- Ho- Hu-???????" Says Kyle.

Then, the donkey falls over, dead.

Kyle then takes a pillow out of his raincoat, and cries into it for several days, because he hates it when animals, especially donkeys, drop dead.

Kyle lets out a deep sigh and goes back to the group of boys, from across the street.

"Hey, man! Where did you go? You were all flying and whatnot, then you stopped, almost hit the ground and disappeared!" Inquires the boys.

"Yeah, I don't know. I'm gonna go see a Psychiatrist. I think I witnessed something traumatizing.

Then, Kyle goes to see Dr. Buckhauser, the local Psychiatrist, down on Shoemellen Street.

"Ah, Kyle. Just in time." Announces Dr. Buckhauser in a very loud and boisterous voice.

Seeing as though Kyle randomly entered the Doctors private home, Kyle finds it odd that he had been expecting him.

"Um, Doc, I just randomly entered your house. Why did you make it seem as though I was expected?"

"Well," Prepares Dr. Buckhauser. "I announce all people in that way, it makes me feel superior in some way."

"Oh, well, that makes perfect sense." says Kyle, sarcastically.

Kyle then feels that this guy is in no position to be making claims about his mental health, so Kyle leaves.

Feeling slightly depressed about the falling, the donkey, and then the crazy psychiatrist, Kyle goes home feeling a little down.

"Well, today wasn't so great. Perhaps tomorrow will be better...."

Kyle Takes It Extreme And Goes To Canada (10)

Previously On "The Adventures Of Kyle!"



EARLIER

"Hello Zebra, it is a pleasure to meet you." Says Kyle.

"Ah, Kyle! The pleasure is all mine!" Says Zebra. "Do you have any chocolate?"

"M'fraid not, I'm fresh out. Perhaps the good townsfolk might have some at the market!" Supposes Kyle.

"Ah-ha! A splendid idea!"



The two then go to the market, only to find that the market is fresh out of chocolate!

Then, as they start to come up with an idea, Kyle wakes up.



NOW!



"Aw, man!" Exasperates Kyle. "Every time I wake up, this happens!"


Kyle hates it when his wonderful and exciting dreams get interrupted by waking up, but it is necessary.



Kyle gets out of bed, and then decides that getting out of bed regularly is much too boring. So he decides to TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL!

What is the next level, you ask? That my friend, is EXTREME.

After achieving Level:Extreme, Kyle high fives himself and cartwheels to the foyer.

As soon as Kyle arrives, he immediately runs into pop icon Gary Coleman!

"Oh, geez, man! I hardly saw you there. You know, with you being so short and all...no offense" says Kyle.

"Yeah, I get that alot... It's ok." Says pop icon Gary Coleman.

Kyle then sneaks away into the dining area, extremely.

"Huzzah! I have made it to the dining area undetected, mission: accomplished!"

But Kyle didn't make it to the dining area quite as undetected as he thought, because behind him is SLOTH!

"Ahhhh!" yells Kyle as he runs away, which is a very hard thing to do extremely, but Kyle thinks he manages to pull it off with a few quick arm thrusts into the air.

"Wow, my extremity exceeds even my own expectations!" exclaims Kyle. "I could totally be a ninja, if I even wanted to be!"

A tear then trickles down Kyles left eye, because he secretely (not-so-secretely) wants to become a ninja very badly, but he recently failed his last challenge at Ninja Training School.



"Oh, well. Maybe next year..." Kyle says, hopefully, and a little extremely.

"Well, back to taking things one step further!"

Kyle then scales the side of a very tall building, while closing his eyes, and then on a leap of faith, he jumps.

Narrowly missing many sharp knives placed carefully on the ground, Kyle lands on the one pillow that isn't filled with broken glass and razor blades.

"Woe is me, I am extreme."

Next, Kyle karate-chops and back-flips all the way to Cananda, to see what they are up to.

"Hello, young sir." says a Canadian.

"Why hello, you must be Canadian!" says Kyle, enthusiastically.

"Well, yes, technically, and obviously. This IS Canada, you know."

"I do know, and I don't like you anymore. Good bye, stupid Canadian."

"How dare you young boy, calling me stupid like that! I'm going to tell the authorities! Here in Canada, we are very sensitive towards being called stupid. Especially from foriegners like you."

Kyle then makes the shape of an "L" on his forhead, and walks away.

Then, minding his own business and thinking of ways to be EXTREME, Kyle is approached by a Canadian Police Man!

"Uh no, that Canadian wasn't bluffing. I got to get out of here, quick!" screams Kyle.

"Oh, no you don't!" says the Police Man, from Canada, respectively.

Kyle then takes of running, while thursting his arm into the air, to keep it real.

Kyle sees an alley that looks like it could be a good escape, but it smells funny so Kyle keeps running. Kyle spots another alley, but it smells worse than the last!

"What is with all of these alleys? They smell awful." Kyle thinks aloud.

After spotting several more alleys that each smell worse than the last, Kyle decides to go back to the first one, so he makes a U-Turn.

"Hey! Those are illegal! I'm going to get you for that!" says the Police Man, hot on Kyles heels.

Kyle then begins running even after, and eventually makes it to the first alley before sundown.

Once in the alley, Kyle realizes that it is not actually an alley at all. Rather it is a Canadian movie set!

"Oh, horray! I have always wanted to see a famous Canadian movie set!" Says Kyle, excitedly.

Kyle then remembers that the Police Man is still chasing him, so he comes up with a plan, quickly.

Kyle then runs to wardrobe, and puts on a ninja costume.

Looking like a ninja, Kyle begins to FEEL like a ninja.

"Wow, I think I might actually be able to perform some tasks which usually are reserved only for ninja's, THAT is how much I feel like a ninja!"

Kyle then scales the side of a tall building and glides all the way back to America, U.S.

"Wow, it sure is good to be home."

Indeed it is, Kyle. Indeed it is.

Kyle And Zebra (9)

"Kyle...Kyle...KYLE!" yells Kyles very short tempered mother.
Kyles eyes slowly widen, as he tries to make some sense out of all the shouting.
"What!? What is it mother?" says Kyle.
"You have to hurry!" says Kyles mother. "We're going to be late to the zoo!"
Suddenly, Kyle remembers that today he is going to the zoo! Kyle is very excited about this particular trip to the zoo, because a good friend of Kyles (Panda) has given him a tip that today they are bringing a new animal to the zoo!
Kyle doesn't remember what kind of animal is coming, but he remembers it being most definitely awesome.
If Kyle is going to make it to the zoo on time, he is going to have to hurry.
And guess what? He does!
After all of the hurrying, Kyle gets into his mothers car, and his mother drives him to the zoo.
"Have a nice time, son!" says Kyles mother. "I'll pick you up in a little bit, I'm going to get a hair cut."
Kyle mutters under his breath that he does not care.
"OK, mom! I'll see you then!"
Kyle runs to the gate of the zoo and tells the zoo keeper that he would like to go to the zoo.
The zoo keeper remembers Kyle, as Kyle has been there many times.
The zoo keeper lets Kyle in, and Kyle couldn't be happier.
For several hours, Kyle looks around for an animal that looks new.
At first, he spots something that he doesn't remember, but it was just a cow.
Kyle does not like cows, nor does he think they belong in a zoo.
Kyle then searches for several MORE hours, but he cannot see anything that looks new or unusual.
This makes Kyle very disappointed and sad.
Kyle is about to start crying when a friendly face greets him.
Who could it be?
Well none other than Panda, one of Kyles best friends!
"Panda! It's you! It is so nice to see you, but...shouldn't you be in your cage?" inquires Kyle.
"Ha-Ha. Kyle funny. Laugh, I do. Thing is, Panda exhibit has half day! It great, isn't?" exclaims Panda.
"Oh, OK...." replies Kyle, a little confusedly.
Kyle asks Panda about the new animal, and Panda tells him.
(I would tell you, the reader, but that would ruin the suspense.)
Kyle also asks where the new animal is, and Panda tells Kyle that, too!
Kyle runs all the way to the place where Panda told Kyle the new animal would be, and just as Kyle arrives, he sees it!
The animal is marvelous and incredible.
"WOW!" rejoices Kyle.
"A REAL LIFE ZEBRA!"
The Zebra is the most amazing shade of white, with black stripes that would make any other stripes look ridiculous.
"I love your stripes, Zebra. Can we be friends?" says Kyle.
The Zebra does a little dance, for some reason, and then trots up to Kyle before replying "Yes of course! Do you have any chocolate? I love me some chocolate."
"Uh, I'm afraid not..." says Kyle.
"Ah ha! Then we shall have to go find some, then!"
Zebra trots off in the general direction of the Zoo Gift Shop and Kyle follows, reluctantly.
As the two get there, Zebra asks the Cashier lady for some chocolate, to which the Cashier lady obliges.
"Yum yum! Chocolate, huzzah!" exclaims Zebra.
"Hmm...should you really be eating chocolate, Zebra? Isn't that like, bad for you, or something?" asks Kyle.
"Hah, absurdity at its finest! You certainly know not the first thing about what is and isn't good or bad for Zebras." replies Zebra, pretty rudely.
Kyle doesn't want Zebra to say anything else, so he doesn't respond.
Next Zebra decides that he wants to dance, so he does.
Kyle awkwardly watches as Zebra shuffles and waltzes back and forth.
At that moment, Kyle becomes aware that Zebras are not very good dancers.
"Wow, I'm the greatest dancer ever! Am I right, Kyle?" says Zebra.
Kyle doesn't want to hurt Zebras feelings, so he pretends he doesn't hear him.
"Kyle? Did you hear me?"
"Oh...no, I didn't. What?"
"I said I'm the greatest dancer ever. Am I right?"
Kyle then has no choice but to respond to Zebra.
"No, you aren't. Your dancing is terrible and I wish you would stop."
Zebra looks crushed, but after a few minutes, forgets, seeing as though Zebras have the memory of a baby kangaroo. Which, is to say, not a very good one.
Kyle then tells Zebra that because Zebra got to pick the last two activities, he gets to pick this one.
Zebra agrees, and awaits Kyles idea.
Kyle thinks long and hard for twelve seconds, exactly.
Then, Kyle has an idea!
But just as Kyle begins to tell it to Zebra, the zoo keeper comes from out of nowhere.
"Zebra! How did you get out of your cage? You need to go back, right now!" says the zoo keeper.
"Awww maaaan. Just as it was my turn to pick the activities!" says Kyle.
"I'm awfully sorry, Kyle. But it is past Zebras bedtime. Perhaps another time you two can play together. But not tomorrow, because it is Hanukkah."
"Bedtime??? Oh no! Zoo keeper, it is of unmeasurable proportions that you tell me the current time, right now!"
"Well, it is precisely 11:56, PM, good sir."
Kyle then starts to freak out .
"OH NO!"
Kyle then runs all the way to the gate, only to find his mother waiting, talking on a cell phone, comepletely oblivious to that fact that her son has been at the zoo for literally 29 hours straight.
Kyle is glad, though. Because that means he won't be in trouble!
When they get home, Kyle heads straight to bed and dreams of making mountains with his eyes.

The End.

The Diary Of Kyle: Sea Lab (8)

An Excerpt from "The Diary Of Kyle"

November, 23rd 1999.

"Sea-Lab"



Today was a good day! It began by mother making me delicious scrambled eggs and even more delicious Belgium waffles! I don't like Belgium very much, but I think their waffles are pretty good. Have you ever even seen someone from Belgium? Neither have I. I doubt it is even a real place.



During breakfast, father told me that the lab in the sea was looking for children to come and explore. As soon as he told me, I knew I had to go right then and there. I thanked mother and began begging father to take me. For the first 287 times of me asking, he said no. But after 288 times, he finally said OK!



I knew that it's a long way to the Sea Lab, so I made sure to bring plenty of things to keep me occupied during the trip.



Things I brought:

Tape-Recorder (For thoughts/notes about the Sea Lab and other things)

Picture of Albert Einstein (for inspiration and a giggle)

Several Belgium waffles from breakfast (in case I get hungry)

Sony Walkman and tape of Queen's greatest hits.



I started the tape and after hardly any time, we were at the Sea Lab transport station! I was really surprised at how quick he got there. For some reason, I thought it would take a long time.

Father told me that it is for children only, so he got in the car and waited. I think it's weird that he always just waits there. Because he could go anywhere, I mean, he's an ADULT and can DRIVE. So why just wait in the car when there are roads to drive on and cities to see?

Anyway, I walked up to the station, and a man in a bright orange jumpsuit greeted me. He seemed friendly. I wonder if he gets paid extra for being so friendly, because it seems like he does, or should because he is doing a great job at being friendly. Maybe he is always really friendly, and that is one of the reasons they hired him. Or maybe, he wasn't always friendly, but because of the job he has to fake it. I hope it's the first, because people shouldn't have to be friendly if they don't want to be.



So, the friendly guy in the suit walked me to the "Deep Sea Diver" as they call it. Well, they actually never called it anything, but it said that on the side. I wonder what they actually call it. They probably just call it "Deep Sea Diver" but maybe they call it something else. I would like to find out. I should ask the friendly guy.



Once me and the friendly guy got into the "De-Se-Di" as I call it, the friendly guy pushed a ton of different colored buttons and the ship began to move. It was so exciting!



Then it takes us reaaaally, reaaaalllyyy far underwater. It seemed like it took us days, but that was probably because I didn't have my Walkman.



Eventually, the De-Se-Di reached a huge building and we stopped at this big garage door looking thing. It opened for us and we drove in. I asked the friendly guy what they called the ship, and he said they just call it the "Deep Sea Diver". I figured. Oh, I also asked him if he was always this friendly, and he said yes. That made me happy.



After we got out of the Deep Sea Diver, the friendly guy (I still don't know his name, I should ask him.) walked me to the main deck, so I could meet the captain!



The captain wass a funny man, who was always saying funny things, but he didn't not know. Everyone laughed about the funny things he says when he wasn't paying attention. A lot of the time, he wasn't paying attention.



The captain told me all about the Sea Lab and I didn't really pay attention. It was really boring. He talked a lot about kelp. I guess they harvest a lot of here. I'm not really sure what kelp even is. I should have paid more attention. Oh well. Maybe I should Google it when I get home.



So next, the captain started to give me a tour of the Control Room, which apparently is where they control all of the stuff in Sea Lab. It seems kinda cool. But as he started to show me the Control Panel, the lights started flashing red! I didn't really know what was going on, but he started yelling at the friendly guy and it seemed to make him a little sad. The friendly guy said "right, right, OK sir. Right" a lot, then he started running around. I don't think he really knew where he was going, but maybe he did.



Then, a bunch of other guys in funny orange suits ran in and waited for the Captain, who was biting his nails and cursing a lot under his breath. They all seemed really nervous/scared. I was pretty scared too.



The captain yelled at all of them too, giving orders and stuff like that and they all ran in different directions. I had no idea what was going on! I tried to stay out of the way, but then there was a loud explosion!



It sounded like a bomb, but I wasn't sure. I asked the Captain if it was, but he didn't answer me. I asked him again, in case he didn't hear me, but he just looked at me and started cursing again. I'm pretty sure he heard me both times.



After a few minutes, another loud noise happened, and it really freaked me out. I thought I was going to die, or at least get hurt really badly. Then the friendly guy who didn't look as friendly anymore came back, and he whispered something to the Captain. It seemed to calm him down a bit.



I asked him if someone was bombing us, because it sounded like someone was, and he finally answered me. He said no, that it was some test they were doing and that it didn't go very well. But he kept saying it was all right. It seemed like he was saying it to himself more than to me.



The friendly guy then looked at me sadly, and told me that I had to leave in case something happened. It made me really sad, but I was a little relieved, because the Sea Lab was getting really scary.



He took me back to the Deep Sea Diver and drove me back to the Transport Station. I told him that it was really cool, and that I hoped no one died from the bombs. He told me he hoped so too, and that he felt bad that I couldn't stay longer. I told him it was okay, but he kept saying it wasn't. Then, he gave me a ticket to the Space Academy, to make up for it I guess. I took it gladly, because it had always been my dream to become an astronaut just like my hero, Neil Armstrong. This made the friendly guy very happy. I was glad that he was so happy.



I walked back to the car, and father was still there, waiting. I don't know how he does it. He asked me how it went and I didn't want to worry him, so I said it went "really, really good". This seemed to please him. I told him thanks for taking me and he said I should be.



We got home pretty late, and mother was already asleep. I guess I'll have to tell her about it tomorrow. That's probably good, because I am really tired!



I think tomorrow I might go to the zoo. I hope I see pandas!

Kyle Fights Crime In San Diego. (7)

"Good morning, Kyle!" says a rather familiar voice.

But this morning is not so good.

On the contrary, this morning is quite bad.

Kyle knows this because as soon as he awoke, he could hear a tapping on his roof and as soon as Kyle heard the tapping on his roof, he knew it was raining.

Kyle does not respond to the familiar voice, which so happens to be his mother.

Instead, Kyle motions to the ceiling, and his mother nods.

Kyle then decides that for the entire day, he would take a vow of silence, in the-opposite-of-honor of the rain.

Now that Kyle has decided not to speak, he now must figure out something else to do instead!

For several moments, Kyle concentrates intently, and then he takes a break to catch his breath.

Kyle almost says "Whew, that was some intense concentrating!" but then he remembers his recent vow of silence.

Kyle lets out a deep sigh and then gets back into some more intent concentrating.

Just then, an idea sparks! Kyle then points a finger in the air as if to say "Ah-ha!" but, he didn't say it. Because of the vow of silence, remember? Pay attention.

Kyle then rushes through his morning routine and waves goodbye to his mother on his way out the door.

Next, Kyle hops onto his Segway, and speeds off to the Market District, where his favorite A Capella group performs every Wednesday.

After he arrives, he searches as much as he can, before he comes to the realization that his favorite A Capella group is nowhere to be found.

Kyle almost cries, but he contains himself, barely. A soft whimper comes from Kyles lips before he sucks it up and be's a man. (grammatically incorrect, on purpose.)

After he calms down a bit, Kyle remembers it is only Tuesday, which explains why the A Capella group is absent.

Kyle is still a little upset that he doesn't get to see them, but he is also a little excited because he will get to see them tomorrow!

Now, seeing as though the corner where the A Capella group usually performs is empty, Kyle has taken it to himself to be an entertainer.

Without speaking, Kyle performs an extravagant version of Apollo 13, silently.

Now that that is done, Kyle can get on with the REAL reason he woke up this morning: to fight crime in the streets of San Diego!

Kyle then decides that if he is going to fight crime in San Diego, he most certainly will need to talk, so he puts his whole "vow of silence" thing on hold for awhile.

"Oh, blast!" says Kyle, very comical. "I'm not even CLOSE to San Diego, how will I ever get there?"

But just then, whizzing by on the corner of the street is one of his favorite vigilantes: Bucky Barnes!

"Hey, stop!" yells Kyle. "Wait a second! Hey you!"

And then, Bucky stops and turns to Kyle.

"Oh, you must be Kyle! Pardon me, I shouldn't have been going so fast, I was just in a hurry." Says Bucky.

"It's alright, I forgive you. Anyway, where are you headed anyway?"

"To San Diego! I just got a call from Nick Fury." He said the Thunderbolts were at again, causing all sorts of trouble with Ant-Man!"

"No way! I was actually headed that way myself, do you mind if I go with you?"

No, not at all! Let's go, together!"

And the two were off, at the speed of lightning! It took them less then four-hundred seconds to get to San Diego, which is quite shocking, with all the border-patrol and whatnot.

Anyway, they are now in San Diego and there, in the middle of the street are Radioactive Man and Songbird picking on poor, little, defenseless Ant-Man.

"Hey, you two bad-guys!" says Kyle, in an attempt to sound heroic. "You leave that poor little guy alone!"

And as Radioactive Man and Songbird are shocked and bewildered by Kyles remark, Bucky Barnes does a sneak-attack and traps them both!

"Ah shucks! You caught the both of us, just like that!" says Radioactive Man.

"Just like that, indeed." says Bucky.

"I can't believe we fell for the old 'confuse them, and then sneak around and trap them from behind' trick. I feel so had." says the sassy Songbird.

"Well, you see..." begins Bucky. "...we used a little thing that I like to call 'Teamwork'. Ever heard of it? I'm sure you have. It's quite effective." Bucky then turns to face Kyle.

"And I couldn't have done it without you, Kyle."

Kyle looks quite pleased with himself for saving the life of the little Ant Man, and he is also glad that he decided to talk.

"Thanks, Bucky. That means a lot, especially from you. But I didn't do it for the recognition. I did it for the poor, little, pathetic men that look like ants." Kyle says.

"Hey now! I was doing just fine before you two showed up! I had them right where I wanted them! I was about ready to unleash my human strength upon them!" yells Ant Man, quite defensively.

"Human strength, you say?" Says Bucky.

Kyle and Bucky then laugh for twenty-three hours and then Kyle walks home, knowing that another life is saved because of him.

This makes Kyle feel all giddy inside.

When Kyle gets home, his mother asks him how his day went.

Kyle just points to his lips.

"Ah, vow of silence, I get it." says Kyle's mother.

Kyle then turns around and winks into the hidden cameras there, there, and there.

The End.

People, That In The Unlikely Event Of Their Death, I Would Be Indifferent.

People, That In The Unlikely Event Of Their Death, I Would Be Indifferent.

• Jane Fonda
• The guy who played Urkel on Family Matters
• Lawrence O'Donnell
• The guy who played the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld.
• Chris Tucker
• Short Round (little asian boy from Indiana Jones)

That seems to be all that's coming to mind.

Kyle Prepares And Goes Fishing (6)

Kyle wakes up one morning.
To be as descriptive as possible, I feel I must inform you that this particular morning is a thursday.
This thursday, Kyle wakes up with motivation and great expectation.
The reason for this motivation is because later in the evening, Kyle is going to celebrate Fathers Day by going fishing for tiger-sharks with his good buddy Sandy, the Turtle Tamer!
Kyle and Sandy get along very well, which is one of the main reasons for them being such good buddies.
After Kyle does everything he usually does in the morning, he remembers that in order to go fishing for tiger-sharks, he most certainly will have to wear rubber boots.
At that very moment, Kyle remembers that the last time he and Sandy went fishing, a tiger-shark bit off a large portion of Kyles trusted rubber boots, rendering them completely useless!
After remembering that, Kyle thinks for several long moments about what he should do next.

Reader Participation: What Should Kyle Do Next?
A. Screw boots, kick it barefoot!
B. Ask his mother for her boots, even though they won't fit.
C. Go the the store, and buy new boots!

You have chosen option "C"! Congratulations!

Kyle then thinks through each option carefully, before deciding that he must go to the store. Kyle then decided that in order to buy new boots, he must first obtain the number of dollars that new boots will cost!
Kyle then thinks, but he then realizes that has no idea as to the cost of new boots, so he asks his mother.
"Hello mother, may I ask you three questions, please?" Says an endearing Kyle.
"Of course my favorite son! What is your first question?" Says his mother, favorably.
"Well, okay. My first question is: Do you know the price of new boots? I desperately need to know the price of some new boots." says Kyle.
"Yes, as a matter of fact, I stumbled upon the price of new boots just yesterday!" says Kyles mother.
"Hmm..." Kyle says. "May I ask you my second question, please?"
"Most definitely." Says Kyles mother, again.
"Very well. What is the price of those new boots?" says Kyle.
"The price of new boots is exactly 23 dollars."
Kyle then nods.
"Hmm, that seems reasonable. May I now ask you my third and final question?"
"I suppose you may. What is your last question, my son?" says Kyles mother, for the last time.
"May I please borrow, or have, 23 dollars, please?" says Kyle, in a pleading tone.
"Of course! I love you very much and you deserve at least 23 dollars! Here you are!" says Kyles mother, happily.
Kyle then takes the money, and whistles all the back to his room, to regroup.
Now that Kyle has the money needed to buy new boots, he must now buy the new boots!
Kyle waltzes all the way to the store that sells new boots.
As soon as the store is in sight, Kyle then quickens his pace, as he is now getting both anxious and excited.
"Huzzah! " exclaims Kyle. "The store which sells new boots: I have arrived!"
Kyle then jogs to the door, before seeing an elderly woman approaching.
Kyle then quickens his pace, even more so that he makes it inside just barely before the elderly woman.
Feeling satisfied, Kyle then heads to the section which contains the boots.
Arriving at the boots, Kyle can hear the elderly woman closely behind.
Kyle then figures that he must hurry.
Kyle rushes, and finds the last pair of new boots!
"Ah, rats!" says the elderly woman. "You took the last pair of boots!"
Kyle then tries to wipe the smug look off of his face, but alas he cannot.
"Hah! Indeed I did. Perhaps you should have been just a tad bit quicker. Or a little bit less old."
"Oh, how unkind! I needed those boots for my great grandson, who is dying of cancer and as a last, dying wish, he wished for some new boots."
"Well then, again, you should have been quicker. Or less old. Anyway, that isn't my problem"
Kyle then smirks, and trots off to the check out counter.
"The total is exactly 23 dollars, good sir." says the cashier.
"Ah, well, then. Here is exactly 23 dollars!" says Kyle.
"Very good! Enjoy those new boots!"
"Gracias, I shall very much!"
Kyle then takes his newly purchased boots, and runs as fast as he can, all the way home.
Kyle runs for 17 days.
Kyle almost died of dehydration many times.
When Kyle arrives home, his legs are quite sore, which is to be expected.
After trying on the new boots, Kyle comes to the conclusion that they fit quite well.
Feeling very pleased with himself, Kyle then looks at his clock.
After looking at the clock, Kyle confirms that is indeed the evening, meaning that Kyle is supposed to be fishing for tiger-sharks with Sandy, the Turtle Tamer, right now!
Kyle then panics for several minutes before deciding that panicking is only going to cause him more problems, so he takes a deep breath, and goes to the ole' fishin' hole, casually.
Once Kyle arrives at the ole' hole, he spots Sandy sitting eagerly by a group of large turtles.
"Oh my god, I am soooo sorry, Sandy. I had to buy boots, and all this other stuff happened. I am so sorry, it'll never happen again. I promise!" says Kyle, a little too apologetically.
"Relax. It's okay, while I waited, I decided to tame this group of large turtles!" says Sandy.
"Oh, ok then. Shall we fish, or what?"
"Yes, yes. Let me lead the way!"
The two then link arms and go to their secret fishing spot.
I would tell you exactly where they went, but seriously, it's a secret.
No! I'm not kidding, it really is secret. I cannot give you the location!
Stop it, seriously.

Anyway, after fishing, Kyle and Sandy decide to let all of the tiger-sharks free, because it seems like a nice thing to do.
"Hooray!"yell Kyle and Sandy, harmoniously.
Next, they go back to Kyles house, to take a break from all of the fishing and such.
At Kyles house they decide to watch a movie.
But movie should Kyle and Sandy watch?
Well, I'll leave that up to you!

Reader Participation: What Movie Should Kyle And Sandy Watch?
A. A Journey Into An Active Volcano: The Movie
B. The Davinci Code: The Movie
C. Silence of the Lambs.

You have chosen option "C"! Congratulations!
The two then choose "Silence of the Lambs, and are immediately scared out of their minds.
After crying for what seems like many months, Kyle and Sandy stop the movie and realize that this movie is very messed up.
"Wow, this movie is seriously, messed up!" says Kyle.
"I couldn't agree more." agrees Sandy.
The two then talk about happy things until the wee-hours of the night, and eventually fall asleep to the sound of birds chirping.

The End.

Kyle And Pablo: The Poor Albanian Boy (5)

Kyle woke up this morning.
Kyle did not feel well, but he remembers a time when he felt worse.
Kyle mutters under his breath “I do not feel well.”
Kyle then realizes why he does not feel well, but then he forgets.
Kyle then remembers that he has a big day today!
Kyle is going to college, to further his education, so that later in life; he can get a decent paying job, to support a family he hopes to someday have.
“Today, I am going to college, for the family!” says Kyle boldly.
Kyle quickly gets dressed and eats a rather large helping of muesli.
Now that Kyle feels nourished, he rushes out the door to ride his Segway to the college.
Kyle is zooming by pedestrians, and he cannot help but envy their carefree lifestyles.
Kyle feels sorry for the homeless, though, for they do not have a segway, and Kyle feels that anyone who does not own a segway should be felt sorry for.
Kyle is proud of himself for owning a Segway (if by owning, you mean leasing from the bank) and getting into a good college (If by good college, you mean a community college).
Kyle arrives at the college at exactly 9:00 AM Pacific Time.
Kyle first goes to the counter, to say hello to the receptionist.
“Hello, lady!” says Kyle, cheerfully.
“Oh, hello young man!” says the receptionist.
“Well, I’m off to further my education, good day, m’lady!” says Kyle, proudly.
“Oh, bless you kind sir!” says the receptionist, quite pleasantly.
Kyle turns, to leave the counter, when in the corner of his eye, he sees a poor Segwayless Albanian boy, reading a book.
“Oh, poor person!” says Kyle, sadly.
Kyle then invites the boy to play, after college.
No doubt, the poor boy agrees, excitedly.
After college, Kyle goes to the reception counter, and turns around.
Kyle sees the poor Albanian boy in the corner of his eye, again!
First they go to the market, and play a game of catch with one of the cucumbers.
After being harassed by a grocery employee, the two are forcefully removed from the store.
“F***in’ biggots always giving me this S***.” Says Pablo, the Albanian boy.
Kyle laughs at his new friends’ wide vocabulary, but Kyle cannot help but think it is wrong.
“Why do you use such vulgar words, Pablo?” says Kyle, inquiringly.
“F*** man, I don’t know. Just expressin’ myself. You know?” says Pablo, the Albanian boy.
“Oh, but, those words can hurt people’s feelings. You should try to think about that before speaking, Pablo” Says Kyle, normally.
Pablo looks quite amazed, as if he had never thought about thinking before speaking before.
Kyle then persuades Pablo into returning to the market, to apologize to the grocery employee, for speaking harshly of him, outside.
Please note, that Pablo did not apologize for the game of catch he and Kyle had participated in, because to be frank, they were not sorry.
After Pablo clears his conscience, the two then go for a ride on Kyle’s Segway!
“What fun this is!” says Pablo, happily.
“F*** you. Get off my scooter. B****.” Says Kyle.
Pablo then realizes what a bad example he has been on Kyle, and decided he must return to the streets, of which he comes.
“Kyle, I’m afraid I must go.” Says Pablo, sadly.
“What? To the bathroom?” said Kyle, confused.
“No, to which have I come from, the streets, Kyle, the dirty, cold, streets of which I have come.”
“I don’t understand. We have been having a great time!” says Kyle, admittingly.
“I know, but I’m afraid I am setting a bad example for you, Kyle, goodbye.” says Pablo, sorrowfully.
“Oh, ok. Yeah, you’re a douche bag anyway, Pablo. I was just trying to be nice” says Kyle, cruelly, and just a tad defensive.
Kyle then pushes Pablo off of his Segway, and Pablo falls to the ground.
“Look familiar, Pablo? Hahahaha! Sorry for barging in on your home! Bahahaha!” Says Kyle, exuberantly.
Pablo then runs away, back to the college, to get his book, and when he returns, he hands the book to Kyle.
Kyle is surprised when he sees the cover of the book, which reads: “The Davinci Code”.
Kyle remembers something, but he cannot remember what.
“Thank you, kind sir” Says Kyle, graciously.
“No, thank YOU kind sir”, says Pablo, generously.
And they never meet again.

The End.

Things Kyle Is. NOT.

Things Kyle Is NOT:

1. Trained in the ways of Jedi.
2. In good enough shape to run a marathon.
3. Motivated enough to do something productive.
4. Going to admit to any mistake, ever.
5. Patient enough to finish reading Moby Dick.
6. Strong enough to do more than 7-8 push ups at a time.
7. Strategic enough to win at Stratego.
8. Going to apologize for throwing your telephone out the window, when he specifically told you that if you didn't stop beating him at Baseball Stars, he was going to throw your telephone out the window.
9. Risky enough to win a game of Risk.
10. Agile enough to out maneuver a mountain lion.
11. Going to refrain from yelling at 11:30PM, even though the apartment complexes "quiet time" hours go into effect at precisely 10PM.
12. An apple, for instance.
13. Able to make out subtle differences between two seemingly very different colors.
14. Proud of it, but it needed to be done.
15. Lying about it and telling everyone that it was you.
16. Embarrassed, oh wait. Never mind.

Kyle And DreamLand: The Adventure Of The Missing Speech. (4)

Kyle goes to sleep.
Kyle loves going to sleep, because while Kyle sleeps, he dreams!
Kyle also loves dreaming because while Kyle dreams, he see's all of magical friends that do not exsist in a world without dreams.
Kyle loves his magical friends very much.
As soon as Kyle drifts into a deep slumber, he arrives in a land of dreams, called DreamLand!
Once in DreamLand, Kyle is greeted by a friendly face.
Who shall it be? Well none other than his best-friend, Pokie, the Unicorn!
"Oh hello, Pokie! It sure is great to see you!" says a very happy and cheerful Kyle.
But as soon as Kyle finishes his sentence, he realizes that there is something very different with Pokie, today.
"Hmm, Pokie, did you do something different with your horn today? You look...somewhat different." says a slightly perplexed Kyle.
Kyle looks at Pokie, questioningly for several long minutes before Kyle eventually realizes why Pokie is speechless.
It is because Pokie has lost his speech!"Oh no!" gasps Kyle. "Your speech! It has vanished!"
Pokie nods, appropriately, before magically transporting them to a beautiful meadow filled with many kinds of fruits.
"Hmmm, this sure is splendid, but what shall we do about your inability to speak?" inquires Kyle.
Aparently, Kyle forgot that Pokie cannot speak, because he keeps asking him questions as if he could.
"Well, Pokie?" says Kyle. "Aren't you going to answer me?"
And just as Kyle speaks the words, he finally remembers that Pokie is not currently able to answer him.
"Oh! How very silly of me! In asking you what we were going to do about your inability to speak, I forgot that you unable to speak!" confesses Kyle.
"Well, now. First, we should find the last place you had your speech, or were able to speak."
Pokie the unicorn does nothing except paw at the ground with a large, bright yellow hoove. "Hmmm..." Kyle ponders. "It seems as though you are trying to tell me something, but with you not being able to speak and all, I'm having trouble understanding you."
Kyle eventually decides that if he is going to help Pokie find his speech, he is going to need some help.
Kyle then rushes to the Valley of The Helpers and requests the aid from the most loyal of the Helpers, and Kyle's second best friend: Dingo the Troll.
Now, I know what you're thinking. "Why would a troll be the most loyal of the Helpers? Or rather, why do Trolls exclusively make up the population of the Helpers?" and the answer to that is very simple: Trolls are very loyal creatures, if you give them a chance.
Well, the first thing Kyle did when he and Pokie saved the group of Helpers from a Mean Dinosaur was give them a chance.
Now, the Loyal Helpers all share a wonderful valley, and spend all of their time being willing to help!
To no surprise, Dingo accepts Kyles offer and they both exchange high fives, and then several thumbs ups.
"Huzzah!" exclaims Kyle. "Now we are ready to find us a speech!"
"I couldn't agree any more than I do right now, Kyle." Agrees Dingo. "Let's go find that missing speech!"
Kyle and Dingo then decide that if they are going to get Pokies missing speech back, they should ask all of the wonderful creatures who live in DreamLand.
Pokie nods approvinging.
The three then skip off onto the Trail Of Many Happinessess.
"I know it's bad and all about your missing speech, Pokie, but I'm actually kind of glad this happend because it gave us something to do together!" says Kyle. "We never go on adventures anymore, and that makes me sad."
Pokie at first looks a little incredulous, before then shifting his expression to guilt.
Being unable to speak, it is unclear as to what Pokie is thinking.
After they ask all of the wonderful creatures, Kyle, Pokie and Dingo still do not have any leads on the missing speech!
This makes them all feel very sad and dissapointed.
Next, they decide to play a game of frisbee, while they wait for an idea.
The three have a great time throwing the frisbee back and forth, even Pokie, who has no hands. After the game, they decide to call it a day.
Pokie, still upset about his lost speech gives Kyle a hug and if he could talk, he would have said "Well, thanks for trying..."
But just then, Kyle clears his throat and exclaims that he has something to say.
"Ahem, I have something to say." Says Kyle. "Pokie, I'm really sorry, but I know where your missing speech is."
Pokie and Dingo look shocked.
"You see..." Kyle continues. "I took your speech late in the night, because I thought that if you had lost it, we might go on an adventure to search for it! But... I see now that it was foolish. I am sorry."
Kyle then reaches into his back pocket and pulls out the missing speech.
Pokie lunges for it at once.
"Oh, my speech! My precious speech is back!" bellows Pokie.
Then, he looks deep into Kyle's eyes and sees the pain.
"It's okay, Kyle. I forgive you. But instead of stealing my speech, perhaps you could have just asked if I wanted to go on an adventure?"
"Hmm, perhaps you are right. Thanks for being so understanding!"
"No, Kyle. Thank YOU for being such a good friend!"

Kyle then wakes up to homemade waffles and fresh pineapple.

The End.

Kyle And His Trip To The Space Academy (3)

This is Kyle. (Not pictured: Kyle)
Kyle is feeling pretty good, right now!
The reason for the sudden "good" feeling that Kyle is current experiencing is because he just found out that he is going to The Space Academy for super-adventure training in the ways of science and outer space!
Just the mere thought of those things brings an enormous grin upon Kyles usually grin-absent face.
Kyle gets ready and all of that nonsense before he packs a special bag for his super special day!
Kyle won't go into the specifics of what is contained inside his bag, but let's just say it is most certainly incredible and extraordinarily excellent.
Anyway, at precisely 4:32 PM, Kyle boards the space shuttle, which isn't really as much a space shuttle as it is a 96' Honda Odyssey.
Kyle chuckles marvelously at the appropriately named vehicle which will transport him to the location where he will spend the entire day aboard a REAL spaceship and NOT a fake one and he will perhaps experience what real astronauts must face and the thought of that makes Kyle swell with pride.
Kyle also doesn't mind run-on sentences.
As soon as the Odyssey arrives at The Space Academy Kyle begins to find himself feeling extremely prepared and excited. But as soon as Kyle steps out of the Mini-van, an ominous voice whispers the words "The power isn't inside the cape, Kyle. The power is in you".
Slightly confused, Kyle tries to forget what the voice had said because it is starting to hurt his head.
Kyle then quickly grabs his special bag and runs to the large planet-shaped building.
"Oh wow, this building looks sort of like a planet." says Kyle, somewhat surprised.
And then out of nowhere, Kyle hears a foreign voice from around the corner of the building! (which is strange, because you'd think a building which resembled a planet would be round, thus having no corners, but that is beside the point... Or is it?)
"On the contrary young man, perhaps it is the planets which resemble this building!" Says the voice.
And just then, a large figure appears from around the corner!
And who shall it be?
None other than Neil Armstrong! The first man on the moon! (supposedly)
"Wow Mr. Armstrong! You really are smart!" says an ecstatic young boy, Kyle. "You just blew my mind."
"Ha, I get that a lot. Perhaps it is because in addition to being an amazing astronaut, I am also the smartest, most capable man in the world! And even though my wife left me, I still am doing okay without her and I'll be just fine on my own now! I don't need that dirty prostitute or anyone! I am Neil ****ing Armstrong!" Says the astronaut, Neil Armstrong.
Kyle ponders to himself for sometime before coming to the conclusion that Neil Armstrong is a jerk, and that his wife leaving him was probably a smart move on her part.
"Now, now, Neil. You mustn't be so down all the time! You need to cheer up. Maybe, your lovely wife of 25 years left you because she felt that you cared more about Neil Armstrong than Neil Armstrong cared about her. you know?" said an insightful and slightly sarcastic Kyle.
"No, I doubt it. She was a filthy whore and I'm glad she left. It gives me more time for Me, and space. Because I love space, and myself, obviously." says the arrogant space explorer.
"Obviously, but it honestly seems like there's a lot of built up feelings inside of that heart of yours, Neil, and maybe you should talk to her, and tell her you love her. And that you want her to come back." says Kyle in a tone that is meant to be somewhat of a mockery to all of those made-for-T.V. inspirational movies which appear almost exclusively on Lifetime .
And just as Kyle pauses, and the music begins to build for the cinematic climax, a dry, wheezing noise becomes audible.
"Wow, what is that awful sound? It sounds as though leukemia itself is getting lung cancer, while having a horrible, horrible cold." says Kyle, wryly.
The voice begins getting louder, and the music slowly fades away when a disfigured figure becomes visible.
"Wow, who ordered the whore?" says Kyle, funnily.
"That is no whore! That is my wife(now separated)!" Says the strange astronaut. "Oh Cherise, I love you so much, and it has taken me too long to finally see the error of my ways, I apologize completely! I was wrong and I love you and if you never want me to go to space again, well, then I guess I'll never go to space again!"
And just as he finishes his touching story, the whore collapses, hitting her head on the pavement.
Quickly, Neil Armstrong (the astronaut) runs to his wife(the hooker)'s side and as the pool of blood slowly begins to reach Kyle, he jumps backwards.
"Wow, sick." says a disgusted Kyle. "That is one dead prostitute."
"No! No no no no no! My Cherise! My precious precious Cherise! You cannot die now! I'm sorry! I am so very sorry!" says the overrated spaceman.
"Looks like you had that coming. Man, I wonder how much disease she's spread. Jeez, going to the moon I can see, but to get with THAT, you must be one very brave man!" says Kyle, slightly impressed and a little mortified.
"No, don't speak of her that way! She was no prostitute, she was my wife." says astro-man.
"Well, those two things don't seem mutually exclusive, sorry for your loss and all, I guess, but honestly, I'm a little relieved that I don't have to worry about seeing that on the street." Kyle says, relieved.
Then, as Kyle continues to express his relief, Neil Armstrong comes out of nowhere clutching a silver broadsword!
Kyle defenselessly covers his eyes in an attempt to disappear, but alas, Kyle remains and so does Neil Armstrong and his broadsword!
"Hiya!!! Die Kyle! You shall spread your lies no more!" says the now enraged astroman.
Kyle quickly opens his special bag and pulls out a cape, which magically turns Kyle into Superhero!
"Oh no!" Says Neil. "My silver broadsword is no match for the mighty Super-Kyle!"
"Indeed, you are correct, but today is not your day to die." says the now super Kyle.
"Oh thank god" says Neil, as he lowers his sword.
But just then as Super-Kyle lowers his guard, Neil charges from the rear!
It catches Kyle while his back is turned, and his mighty cape is ripped to pieces.
With his mighty cape now destroyed, Kyle feels powerless and defeated.
Neil Armstrong sees that Kyle is vulnerable and begins to charge at him!
Not knowing if he should run, hide, or panic, Kyle panics and right before the spaceman reaches Kyle, he remembers the ominous voice from earlier in the story.
"The power isn't inside the cape, Kyle. The power is in you"
Kyle urges his brain to decipher this secret message, and eventually, it does!
"Ohhh" Kyle things aloud. "The power isn't inside of the CAPE, the power is inside of ME."
The newly powerful-even-without-his-cape Kyle has no choice but to unleash the mighty fury upon the once great spaceman.
The now almost dead spaceman lets out one final "Cheeeerrrisssssseeeee" before he becomes now completely dead.
"Well..." says the all of the sudden superhero, Kyle. "It looks like it'll be a joint funeral!"
And Kyle laughs all the way home from The Space Academy.

"Well, how was it?" Says Kyle's Mom, inside the van.
"Well, I didn't actually get inside the building, and I kind of killed an American hero, but all things considered, I would have to say it was THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE."

The End.

Kyle And Panda: The Epilogue (1.2)

Kyle wakes up.
Kyle feels reminiscent, for some reason.
Quickly, Kyle begins the day the way that every day of Kyles is begun: by going to the zoo!
Kyle is getting very excited!
After Kyle remembers to pay the very rude zookeeper, Kyle enters the zoo.
The zoo is practically the same as it is every day and that makes Kyle feel both happy and sad at the same time.
Kyle wipes his tears and his grin off of his face and runs to see the pandas.
As soon as Kyle arrives, what does he see?
It's no other than the same panda as he had seen a day long ago.
Now, Kyle is much older, and so is the panda.
"Hello, Mr. Kyle. Me now good English speak!" Said the very unintelligent panda.
"Wow, I haven't the slightest clue as to what you are saying, speak...good, please." Said a wistful and somewhat apologetic Kyle.
"Sorry, Mr. Kyle. English hard still very. Very for panda. Very." Said the same panda as before.
"Well, if you were new to America, I would understand, but seriously, you've been here long enough. I don't care if you are a panda, you should be able to speak English as good as anyone, so get with it!" Said Kyle as he turns to walk away.
"Wait!" Said the panda. "Go no! Leave me, don't!"
"Uh, why not? I have nothing more to say to you." Says Kyle, regularly.
"Just, goodbye, I want to say." Said the panda that still cannot speak very good English.
"Then out with it! Come on, I haven't got all day to do nothing, like some species."
"Well, very. Goodbye, Mr. Kyle. Cross again, our paths shan't"
As soon as the words leave the pandas mouth, Kyle begins to feel quite saddened, as he realizes that he once had cared deeply for the panda.
"No, don't leave. Maybe, I could stay...and we could share some bamboo?" Said Kyle, quite sadly.
"Like that, I would, much very." Said a very happy panda bear.
The two then shared some bamboo, and all was well.

The End.

Kyle And His Trip To The Bakery (2)

Kyle gets home.
Kyle doesn't feel as well as he was hoping he would feel when he got home.
The way Kyle feels is coy, and just a little bit hesitant.
Kyle hears a slight growling and at first he is frightened, but then, he realizes that the slight growling is coming from inside of his stomach!
How absurd to hear a slight growling from your own stomach and be startled by it!
Kyle realizes the slight growling must mean something, but he forgets what.
"Ah ha!" says Kyle emphatically. "What a great idea!"
Kyle jumps vertically, and begins hoping.
Kyle hops all the way to the bakery when he realizes he doesn't know where the bakery is!
"Good day, sir. May I help you find something?" Says an overweight man in the bakery.
"Yes you can, actually! Do us all a favor and lose some weight." Says a rather abhorrent Kyle.
The man then turns his head and falls to the floor, DEAD.
"Well, then. What have we here?" Says the police man.
"Uh oh." Says Kyle, woefully. "I swear it wasn't me! It was an accident! I didn't mean it! He asked me to do it! I swear I was set up!"
The police man then turns his head like a dog when they hear a strange noise, and says "Now, now young man, you need to calm down! What in the world is that you're rambling on about?"
Kyle then realizes that the police man is yet to look down, so he decides to use this to his advantage.
"Oh nothing, police man, I was just...kidding. Like, it was a joke." says Kyle, hurriedly.
"Well, then, very good, and have a most delightful evening, with your family, because you're a young man and I am sure you love your family, very much." Says the police man, in a tone that screams "I NEVER HAD A FATHER!!!"
At that very moment, when the tears slowly start to well up into the eyes of the police man, Kyle hits the deck and begins to crawl alongside the floor.
Before the police man realizes Kyle had left, Kyle had left.
Kyle then hums "Another One Bites The Dust" all the way home before he realizes that Kyle did not know how to get home from the bakery!
"Wow, how on earth did I get to, or from the bakery?" Wonders Kyle.
"Why, that be thanks to me!" Says a friendly tone coming from what seems to be Kyles left shoulder.
Kyle looks frantically, before he realizes there is a small, miniature Kyle wearing a monocle and carrying a map on his left shoulder.
"Well, I'll be!" says Kyle, cowboyishly.
Kyle then realizes that Kyle has a miniature 1930's version of himself navigating from his left shoulder.
"Good thing, too, because if you hadn't showed up, I wouldn't have been to get to, let alone from the bakery!"
The two then laugh hysterically until the scene fades to black.
The End.

But wait! Kyle is still feeling awfully hungry, isn't he? Yes, he is. What shall be done about that?
Next, Kyle returns to the bakery, being carefully navigated by his miniature navigating version of himself.
Once at the bakery, the two order as many pastries as they can possibly order and then, they eat until their hearts content.
The End. Seriously.

Kyle And Panda (1)

Kyle woke up one morning, it was this morning.

He did not feel very well. Kyle said to himself, "Kyle does not feel well". 

Kyle's head hurts. So much that he rushes to the medicine cabinet, in search of a remedy. 

After 4 quick doses of "Headache Relief", Kyle feels just fine and decides to continues his day, with a slight throbbing in his aching head (but less throbbing than before). 

Kyle suffers his way through a glass of orange juice (pulp-free) and a slice of toast. 

Now Kyle is on his way to school! Kyle is feeling confident! 

Kyle returns from school. 

Kyle does not feel quite as confident as before. 

Kyle takes 3 doses of "Anxiety-Away" and takes a nap. Kyle is having trouble sleeping. Kyle tosses and turns for two whole hours before giving up. 

Kyle makes his way towards the stairs, as he is awaited by an eager cat. 

"Meow!" Said the cat, as it eagerly looks upon Kyle. 

Kyle lets the cat outside, and makes his way upstairs! 

Kyle looks at his mom, and says "Hey Mother, what is for lunch?" 

Kyle decides it is no use to keep pestering his mother this way, so he makes his own lunch. 

A bagel and cream cheese is not a suitable lunch for a mighty warrior, but it will have to work for Kyle. Kyle is now full. 

Kyle now has to make a quick trip to the zoo to see some pandas. 

Kyle stubbed his toe on his way out. "Ouch!" said Kyle. 

After 2 doses of "Pain-be-gone" Kyle arrives at the zoo. 

A zookeeper tells Kyle that the toll to get in to the zoo is 5 dollars. 

"Oh No!" Kyle trembles.

Kyle forgot to bring any money! 

Kyle jumped the gate to the zoo, upon being greeted by the same zookeeper. 

"Hey young man, I saw you jump that gate!" said the same zookeeper that met him the first time.

 "Hey, zoo man, I don't like your attitude! And you smell like monkeys!" said Kyle. 

Kyle is now in "hot water". 

Kyle is in "Zoo prison". 

Kyle is slightly happy, because he can barely see the pandas! 

Kyle waits for 12 days in the zoo prison without food or water. 

Kyle almost died many times. 

Luckily, for Kyle's sake, the pandas broke out of their cage, and shared some of their bamboo with Kyle. 

Kyle does not particularly care for bamboo, but he doesn't want to be rude to the pandas for their kind gesture of goodwill and hospitality.   

Kyle then thanked the pandas, and made his way back home. 

Kyle then took 4 more doses of "Headache relief". Kyle decided to tell the entire world about the excited days he just had. 

Kyle wrote the story down in his secret notebook and took 3 doses of "Pain Reliever". 

Kyle made his way into the kitchen for a bagel and cream cheese, but what did Kyle see? A panda! "What are you doing here, young panda bear?" said Kyle. "Not lot. Me no speak good English, young lad" Said the panda. 

"Would you like to go to the roller-disco with me, young panda?" said Kyle. 

"Me no not about roller-disco. Me like find out!" said the panda.

 "Great! This shall be fun! I will drive us there on my brand new go-cart!" said Kyle. 

After much discussion, the panda decides it would be a more suitable choice if he were to drive, seeing as though Kyle does not yet have his drivers’ license. 

They arrive at the roller-disco and they see the same zookeeper that put Kyle in zoo-prison! "Oh, no!" said Kyle. "If he see me here, I go back long time!" said the panda. 

"The roller-disco is not a good place for us to be at this time. Perhaps we should go to the zoo!" Said Kyle. 

"That bad ideal. We just at zoo." said the panda. "Yeah, you're probably right" said Kyle. "Maybe we should check out some books at the library!" "Me love book. Me love readbook at bookplace" said the panda. "Then it's settled, we shall go to the library to find books to read!" said Kyle. After they arrive at the library, they each get one book and only one book.. Kyle picked "A Voyage into an Active Volcano" for his book. The Panda picked "The Davinci Code" and the two were off to the checkout counter! The nice librarian then sighed deeply, pointing to a large sign on the counter which read: "Panda's are not allowed to rent books". After 5 hours of the Panda crying, Kyle lied to the Librarian and told her that both of the books were Kyle's! The Librarian then believed him, and checked out both of the books. The Panda then stopped crying, as the panda realized what Kyle had just done. "Thank you" said the Panda. "You owe me. Big time." Said Kyle. They then went back to Kyle's home to begin their intriguing reading material and were greeted by Kyle's mother and another person. Who could it be? No other than the same zookeeper that Kyle had met before! "You did a bad thing, young sir." said the same zookeeper as before. "I am sorry, mister, I didn't mean to. But, I made a friend!" Said Kyle. "That is a good thing, but you still should not have jumped the gate and called me a name." said the same zookeeper. "Me no like you, zoo man." said the panda. "Panda, that was not a nice thing to say!" said Kyle's mother. "Me sorry. Me no realize words mean." said panda. "Well, its back to the zoo for you, panda" said the zoo man. “Me no go back. Me stay here with Kyle." said the panda. "No, panda, you have to go back to the zoo" said Kyle's mother. "NO!" said panda. "I no go back." "Meow" said the eager cat. Kyle then pets the cat. The panda then gets jealous. "Why no you pet panda?" said panda. "Panda, you need to bathe, you need to go back to the zoo, and bathe" said Kyle. "Panda see, panda realize no love in Kyle for panda. Panda go back to zoo." said panda. The panda then cried for 8 hours. "Now then, are you ready to go back to the zoo?" said the zoo man. "Yes. Panda ready. Bye Kyle and Kyle mom." said panda. The Panda then drove the zookeeper back to the zoo and all of the animals were very excited to see them. The End.