In the winter of two-thousand and twelve, in the quiet town of Neversnows, there was a blustering storm of proportions. But this wasn’t a storm of just any proportions, these proportions were epic. So epic in fact, that Kyle and his best friend Panda decided to get out of the one-panda town of Neversnows in search of greener pastures.
“Oh Kyle” said Panda “Where on earth are we going to go, on earth?”
“First of all Panda, your sentence structure is terrible. You really need to go back to college and take some Basic English classes. I really think you could benefit from them.”
Panda thinks long and hard about this for what seems like five minutes to Kyle, but to Panda it seems more like three-hundred seconds. Once Panda gives it some seriously serious thought he decides college is no place for a silly little Panda like Panda. His ears then perk up as he anticipates Kyle isn’t finished with his well-phrased proclamations.
“Second, there are many places on earth far less blustery than Neversnows!” proclaims Kyle, proclaimly.
Then, all of the sudden Kyle has a startling realization! After the explicably appropriately named storm of inexplicably epic proportions, the quiet town of Neversnows will be in fact inappropriately named!
“Alright, I’ve had it with this soon-to-be-inappropriately named one-panda town, Panda. We must move on to greener pastures at once!”
Panda doesn’t need to say a word. The look in Panda's eyes are enough. After a long, meaningful gaze into the eye of the storm, both Kyle and Panda begin their search for the pastures of green.
SNACK BREAK!
Several days later, Kyle wakes up with a slight remembering-feeling in his head. “Now wasn’t there something I was supposed to do, a few days ago?” Kyle thinks to himself quite loudly.
“Kyle!” shouts Kyle’s father. “You’re thinking much too loudly again! Quiet that head down! And shouldn’t you be moving on to pastures of green or something?”
Just then, Kyle had a startling realization about what he had previously forgot he had realized only a few days ago. Kyle was supposed to be moving onto greener pastures, and he was already several days behind schedule! Feeling very rushed, and a little hungry (it was a light snack), Kyle decides to call up his favorite panda, Panda and go and get some (as pandas call it) grub.
“Kyle! Where on earth have you been? We were supposed to be out of here several days ago! Remember the impending storm of inexplicably epic proportions? Remember the pastures of green? Remember our meaningful gaze in to the eye of the storm?”
Just then, Kyle forgets all about the slight hunger in his stomach and decides to make a plan of action, immediately.
“You’re right Panda, and if we follow my strict sixteen-hour Action Plan, we’ll be in some greener pastures in about sixteen or so hours, or so.” bellows Kyle.
Panda looks pleased upon hearing Kyle’s Action Plan. This is the Kyle that Panda was looking for. This is the Kyle that Panda can trust. Then the two begin to follow the very particular steps to the action plan, and begin calling up all the friends they know in pastures of green.
Several moments later, Kyle hears a strange noise coming from Alfredo, his mobile phone. “Ring ring! Ring ring!” says the mobile phone, Alfredo.
For a minute or two, Kyle cannot remember for the life of him what it means when a mobile phone begins speaking, but then Kyle remembers and answers the phone. “Yes Alfredo, I hear you saying ‘Ring ring!’, what do you want?”
“Good evening Master Kyle, you are receiving a call from one of your friends in greener pastures. Her name is María Conchita Alonso and she would like to know if you want to take up refuge in her land of Kangaroos and BBQ’s until the eye of the storm of Neversnows has finally…shut.”
Kyle thinks about it and immediately makes a decision to pack his bags not twice, not thrice, but once.
“Don’t forget to bag your packs too as well, Master Kyle.” Alfredo rememberingly reminds Kyle.
“I wasn’t going to, Alfredo. But thanks. I completely forgot!”
After having his bags packed and his packs bagged, Kyle opens up his front door and who does he see? It’s none other than his good friend Panda, the panda!
“It’s about time.” says Panda. Are we ready to go yet? I have my pack bagged and everything.”
“Don’t forget to pack your bags, silly Panda.” says Alfredo.
Embarrassed, Panda explains to Alfredo that as much as he would like to pack his bags, he doesn’t have any. All he has is a lonely pack. Being a mobile phone, Alfredo is incapable of pointing and laughing. But if he could, he would be pointing and laughing at Panda.
“Enough arguing you two!” Kyle interjects. “It’s about time we left this soon-to-be-no-panda town and get our going on!”
The two then argue for about four-hundred and thirty-two seconds over the most efficient form of transportation before they both have an epiphany at precisely the same time.
“RICKSHAW!” They both holla at once.
After leafing through a few leaflets on the staggering poverty of common rickshaw-men, Kyle and Panda decide reading is for people who don’t know how to avoid reading and call Gary Busey, the poor rickshaw-man from the “bad part of town”.
“Good evening, boys. And by boys, I mean Kyle and Panda. Where to?” says the poor rickshaw-man, Gary Busey.
“Sydney, Australia and make it snappy. We don’t have all day!” says Panda. “And didn’t you used to be a moderately successful actor?”
After an approving look from Kyle, Panda feels a great sense of pride.
Gary Busey nods, bashfully. “Once upon a time, I was a moderately successful actor, but then…”
“Didn’t my dear friend Panda say we didn’t have all day? We don’t have time for your life story, Mr. Busey. We just need to get the heck out of Neversnows, now!” says Kyle.
Climbing aboard Mr. Busey’s very uncomfortable rickshaw, Kyle and Panda begin to complain about the level of comfort they are feeling. “I’ve gotta say, Gary, this rickshaw has got to be the worst rickshaw I’ve ever had the displeasure of riding in” explains Kyle.
This makes Gary Busey feel very sad. So sad, in fact, that he begins to weep quite loudly. Upon hearing the loud weeping, Kyle and Panda decide a rickshaw has got to be the worst form of transportation they have ever had the displeasure of experiencing.
“We’re here!” shouts Mr. Busey in a still very loud, very sad weepy voice.
“Finally.” Kyle and Panda say at the exact same time. Then Kyle gives Panda a very stern disapproving look, because Panda knows how Kyle feels when they both say things at the exact same time: very, very uncomfortable. After Panda apologizes to Kyle, the two then thank Gary Busey for the uncomfortable rickshaw ride. Gary doesn’t want to say anything, but neither Kyle nor Panda has paid him for the ride from Neversnows to Australia and a trip like that can be awfully tiresome for a poor rickshaw-man such as Mr. Busey. After not saying anything, Kyle and Panda leave in search of their good friend María Conchita Alonso.
“I think she lives this-a-way!” shouts Kyle.
“No, she lives that-a-way!” proclaims Panda.
After many months trying to figure out where in the world the Casa-de-María is, the two are approached by none other than a kangaroo!
“Wow, a real life kangaroo, in the flesh!” says Kyle. “Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would meet an animal as exciting and exotic and exuberant and exhilarating and in need of so many adjectives with the letter “Ex”!
This brings a tear to Pandas eye, before he realizes this specific kangaroo is pretty amazing.
“What up, bros?” says the Kangaroo.
“Not much, my brother from another species. Just looking for María’s place. You seen it?” Asks Kyle.
This brings a spark to the eye of the kangaroo because this specific kangaroo just so happens to be a flat mate of María Conchita Alonso!
“You know what, María just so happens to be my flat-mate. I was just heading there myself, if you wanna follow me. By the way, you can call me Jamaal.”
Kyle and Panda then both look at each other incredulously because the name “Jamaal” is usually reserved for African-American professional football players, definitely not Australian Kangaroos, but who are they to make such harsh assumptions?
After establishing that Jamaal is just a nickname, and that this particular kangaroo has no “official” name because he isn’t a person, the two then begin the next part of their journey on foot. They walk for about three days before arriving at the house of María.
As they approach the front door, Jamaal reminds them that it is accustom for Australians to give guests five bucks, as a host fee. But what Jamaal did not tell them was that María likes to do things a little differently, and follow new, more non-accustom customs.
Just then, as they finish up their conversation about whether or not people in Australia are going to give you five bucks for coming to their house or not, someone answers the door!
“Oh, hey María. We were just talking about you.” says Kyle. “Where’s my five bucks?”
Immediately María slams the door shut.
“Well now, we have seem to have royally pissed off our most gracious host, just as she was about to give us five bucks!” dejectedly says Kyle.
“Not gonna lie bro, you weren’t going to get five bucks. The mere assumption of her giving you five bucks is in fact the reason for the sudden slamming of the door in our faces.” Jamaal explains. “Speaking of which, it looks like when she slammed the door, she slammed it directly into the nose of your good friend Panda!”
Kyle then immediately looks down to see his good friend Panda lying on the ground, covered in ketchup.
“That’s not ketchup….” Whispers Kyle. “It’s blood.”
“Of course it is!” retorts Jamaal. “Why on earth would it be ketchup? He just had a door slammed into his face and it’s clearly running down his nose in a very much blood-like fashion”
Kyle looks at Jamaal sheepishly. “You’ve made your point, Jamaal. Don’t be a dick.”
Verily astonished by the harsh verbose verbiage directed toward him, Jamaal reacts rather irrationally.
“Oh yeah, would a dick do this?” screams Jamaal, reaching for a lighter from his pouch.
“Uh, I don’t know. You’re reaching for something, are you about to do something, or something?”
Just as Kyle finishes his sentence, Jamaal finishing reaching for the lighter, lights it, and throws it towards the casa-de- María.
Terrified of fire, Panda runs as far away as he can with Kyle close behind. Jamaal attempts to run, but instead trips, falls into the fire, and is burned alive.
That’s called Karma.
As Kyle and Panda reach a safe, not too close distance, Kyle gives María a call on his reliable mobile phone.
“Ring ring! Ring ring!” says Alfredo, the mobile phone.
“Yo yo, what is good my brother Alfredo? Is Kyle calling me, or something?” Answers María .
“Why yes!” explains the mobile phone. “I’ll patch him through at once, ma’am.”
Kyle then proceeds to tell María of the crazy events that took place shortly after she slammed the door in Panda’s face. Having no idea, María immediately feels a great sense of remorse.
Then, after offering a very sarcastic apology, Kyle hangs up the phone thinking their conversation is over.
“Wait, you forgot to tell her that her house is on fire. You probably should have said something about that, because her house is burning. Because of the fire.” says Panda.
Feeling stupid, Kyle figures to himself that she’ll find out eventually and it’s no use spending any more of his valuable mobile phone minutes (he doesn’t have rollover).
Seconds later, a very pissed-off María Conchita Alonso comes huffing and puffing out of her now very engulfed in flames home. As she runs towards Kyle, she stops for a split-second to see her beloved flat-mate Jamaal, now very much burnt and very little alive.
“Wow, I hope she doesn't hold onto any feelings of resentment for that…” thinks Kyle loudly to himself.
“I DO resent that!” shouts María.
“Wow, I have GOT to quit doing that.” thinks Kyle not quite as loudly as before.
Apologetically, Kyle apologizes to María in a manner no women of Australia could refuse: with the promise of a new Kangaroo!
“Oh boy! Really? A new kangaroo?” Sarcastically replies María. “Panda please! What am I to do about my flat?”
After thinking long and hard about this situation for a moment or two, Kyle decides that Australia isn’t that great anyway, and it’s probably time María went on that long cruise she’s always talking about.
“But I haven’t ever even thought of going on a long cruise, Kyle.” says María.
Realizing he must have thought in his outside voice again, Kyle explains the increased popularity and low-costs of cruises over the past few years and once this is explained, María is sold on the idea.
Having settled that whole ordeal, Kyle sends his dear friend on her way to the Caribbean’s or Madagascar, or somewhere, that part isn’t really that important.
Next, he decides it’s time to check his trusted mobile-phone and see what the hap’s is back in Neversnows.
“Oh Hello Kyle” says Kyle’s mobile phone, Alfredo. “You must be wondering what the current status is of your beloved town of Neversnows.”
Astonished, Kyle begins nodding his head rather enthusiastically, incapable of speech.
“I’m going to go out on a circuit and assume that my assumption was correct.” assumes Alfredo. “In which case you’ll be pleased to know that I just recently spoke with your loving mother and father, and they wished me to tell you the storm has passed. It’s safe to go home now, Kyle.”
Even more astonished then when Alfredo assumed correctly, Kyle begins jumping up and down, even more incapable of speech than before.
Feeling awkward, Panda chimes in. “Wow thanks Alfredo! What I’m sure Kyle would say if he wasn’t so…speechless right now is that he’s ecstatic. We’d love to come home, but I’m afraid I have eaten all of our money!”
Hearing this makes Kyle surprised at first and then angry. So angry In fact, that Kyle has become infuriated. “You did WHAT…to our WHAT?!” shouts an exceptionally angered Kyle.
“I said I ate it, Kyle. I ate the money. All of it. All the money. I got hungry. It’s gone.” explains Panda. “I ate it. The money.”
“Yeah, I got that part Panda. But why on earth would you eat the money, on earth?” inquires Kyle.
“I told you, I got hungry. And I ate it. All of it.”
Confused as to why Panda would eat money instead of food, Kyle decides what’s done is done and there’s no use dwelling on it now. Now is the time to form a plan to return home.
“Well, what’s done is done.” Thinks Kyle aloud. (He really needs to quit doing that) “There’s no use dwelling on it now, but we need to form a plan. A plan of action, or an Action Plan if you will.”
“Master Kyle, I will if you will!” shouts Alfredo from Kyle’s front pocket.
Panda then chimes in once again and berates Alfredo for about twenty minutes on the appropriate times for interrupting, and how there aren’t any. This makes Alfredo feel awfully sad. Panda then holds the power button for about five seconds, until Alfredo slowly powers off and dies.
“Well that’s just great, Panda. Now how are we supposed to keep in contact with Neversnows if my mobile phone is dead!?” questions Kyle.
Panda then sneezes, and Kyle forgets all about the whole mobile-phone ordeal.
Just then out of nowhere, Kyle thinks up a plan of action! Impressed by his own intellect, Kyle explains to Panda his Action Plan, and how it almost exclusively involves Panda pan-handling until he gets enough money.
At first, Panda is not very happy with this shenanigan, but as soon as Kyle tells him he can call it “Panda-handling” instead, naturally he obliges.
NAP TIME! ( for Kyle. Panda is a little busy right now)
Seven days later Panda returns and wakes Kyle up from his nap. Enraged, Kyle begins swinging his fists in the general direction of Panda, before realizes Panda has returned with at least four or five dollars!
“Oh my goodness, Panda! How on earth were you able to get that amount of money in such a short amount of time?” questions Kyle.
Panda then proceeds to tell Kyle about all of the various pandamonium he had to cause in order to get the large sum of money and Kyle swells with pride. Now, having more than enough money to get home, the two then go to the nearest convenience store.
“Hello good sir.” Kyle says to the man behind the counter. “Two energy drinks, please. And make them super energetic. We’ve got to get all the way to back to Neversnows and I’m already exhausted from my trip here!”
“Neversnows, eh? I’ve heard about that place! Didn’t it just snow there or something?” says the man behind the counter.
“Indeed it did. But as quickly as the blustering began, it be-over.” explains an exhausted Kyle.
Having no more time to chat, the man quickly hands Kyle two of the most energetic drinks they have, and Panda hands him four or five dollars.
“Quick Panda, drink yours first and make sure it’s safe! Then I’ll drink mine and we can finally make it back to Neversnows!” says a scheming Kyle.
Panda doesn't hesitate and drinks his energetic drink in one energetic drink. “Now that wasn’t so bad!” shouts Panda, energetically. Kyle then proceeds to drink his as well, and then two then begin running as fast as they can in the general direction of Neversnows.
Several days later, they arrive home to find Neversnows almost exactly as they left it!
“Wow, Neversnows is almost exactly as we left it! Only slightly more covered in snow!” reckons Kyle.
“Ironic!” says Panda.
“You don’t know what that means stupid Panda, but you’re right. It is rather ironic.” replies Kyle.
The two then rush to Kyle’s home, where Kyle’s family has been worried sick.
“Wow, what a long and crazy adventure!” says Kyle. “Let’s watch some TV!”
Panda begins getting excited, and as Kyle flips through the channel, what does he see?
PREDATOR 2 IS ON!
Now that’s irony, Kyle thinks to himself. And as soon as his thought is thought, he hears a knocking on his door.
“Oh Kyle!” shouts Kyle’s mother. “That must be the mail-man, can you get the door?”
“But I just got home from Australia, can’t you do it?” argues Kyle.
“No, just do it. I’m your mother. Do it. I said so.”
Finally, Kyle walks over to the door and opens it and who does he see?
Danny Glover, dressed up as a mail man!
“Here’s your mail, kid. By the way, there’s nothing ironic about a struggling actor trying to make a decent living.”
The END.
